Amazing: Something I Just Accidentally Did

I just did something amazing.  Made a delicious dish from the dismal back corners of my cupboard.  Check it out.

So, for lunch I usually go for the quick and easy.  Every pun intended there.  I usually reach for the instant soups, fuck Campbells condensed, like, are you serious you are going to make me add ONE CUP OF WATER?  Progresso.  Amy’s.  They make it easy.  Dump with a satisfying squelch of the air being released from the can and a splat upon the gooey cold soup-like conglomerate hitting the bowl.   I don’t even know how long you are supposed to put it in for.  2 minutes?  Sure.  Nuke it!

I used to eat hot pockets.  Then I opened one up once after cooking it, because it looked weird, and it was black on the inside.  Just black.  I said no more to those things.  They probably have already given me a bouquet of cancer so I guess I already lost.

Anyways.  There I am.  Sitting on the 2 coming home from campus my stomach is growling.  The bus driver seems to have no idea where this bus is supposed to go, back tracking down Franklin, making everyone very upset.  Two guys in wheelchairs want to get on and it dawns on me.  I am going to be on this bus forever.  I will never get off.  On the off chance I do get off, I need something amazing to eat.

I know I have pasta, sauce, rice crispies, and coffee.  I have been putting off making that pasta, because I really just have had consistently unsatisfactory results.  I always make the pasta with too much haste, undercook it, and then not strain it long enough.  I get hard pasta sitting in a pool of luke warm water.  Awesome.

I am on a Pizza Lucé and Jimmy Johns hot streak, and if I order from them again I might become the majority shareholder.  As much as I would like to have an ownership stake in those companies, I am paying way over the share price, because I tip 30%.  I am a previous delivery driver with a serious case of the empathies.  Also turns out I do not know how the stock market works.

Ok, so I get home.  Get a grip Robbie, just boil some fucking water.


Cook Time: ~20 Minutes

  1. Begrudgingly, take pot out of cupboard.  Do not bother to measure water, just fill up, or whatever.
  2. Turn on the burner.  TURN ON THE BURNER!  Oh, that’s right, this is the one that doesn’t work.
  3. Turn on the burner that works.  Boil Water.
  4. So, you know when those little bubblies start to form at the bottom of the pot and then start to rise up?  This will get them pasta noodles nice.
  5. Blindly pour pasta into pot not realizing how quickly those pasta buggers will come out.
  6. Get a pan.  Get the Prego.  Oh, don’t have Prego?  Stop here you can’t make this.
  7. Pour the Prego into the pan.  Get Cholula Hot Sauce.  Slap that in there too.
  8. Ok ok.  So everything is grooving, the pasta is cooking, the sauce is warming up, nice.  Nice.  Nice.  Nice.
  9. Ok, get the strainer and pour that pasta in there.  Get all that fucking water out of there.  ALL OF IT.  Not taking any chances here.
  10. Get a bowl, pour half the pasta in there.  Sauce on top.  Shredded cheese on top.
  11. Pour the rest of the pasta and repeat 10.
  12. This is when I got really into this cooking thing.
  13. Warm that oven up to 500, because 450 is weak.  Just not badass enough.  500 is also the highest setting on my oven.  TURN IT UP!
  14. Ok, now put the sweet bowl of pasta, sauce, and cholula in the oven.
  15. Give it 5 minutes.
  16. Bam.  Amazing.
The only thing is that you did it on purpose.  

Ronald Loved this Dish!

Ronald absolutely loved this dish.


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